Things I Learned: Salt
The only person I know with a bigger book bag is Ryan Sarver
From now on I am going to do these "Things I Learned" lists for bad movies. Hopefully this become a continuous column.
1. A CIA agent on the lam chooses Bolt Bus. I found this particularly satisfying as I also choose Bolt Bus when traveling between DC and New York.
2. When you are in a room and a man with a gun is shooting up everyone in the room, shouting “I’M THE HEAD OF NATIONAL SECURITY” is not going to save you. In fact it gives the shooter more incentive to shoot you.
3. If you are in that same room and manage to survive the initial shootings, do not pick your head up to see what is going on. Lay low and play dead. You’ll thank yourself later.
4. If you want to sneak into the White House just disguise yourself to be of the opposite gender and get a fake ID. Actually considering this it is probably even easier than that.
5. Speaking of which, Angelina Jolie looks ridiculous disguised as a man. I hope I never have to see Mangelina in a movie again. Seriously once she had outed herself and started shooting the White House up she could have at least taken that damn silly wig off.
6. Forcing half of an old Church to collapse on an old man is not enough to knock him out for a few days. You need to inject him with spider venom after you pull him out from under the rubble. If you can even find him that is.
7. If you're a woman and you are about to take part in a lot of action take off your heels, put on a wool hat and start playing some groovy guitar riffs.
8. A maxi pad is an accessible and effective item to contain a bloody wound. I bet MacGyver or Jason Bourne never thought of that!
9. At about 90 pounds soaking wet, Angelina Jolie sure kicks a lot of ass.
10. Angelina Jolie should have been in the running for the role of Spider Man simply based on her acrobatics in Salt.
11. If your backed up with no where to go, jump off a ledge on to a highway and something good is bound to happen. Most likely you will land perfectly on top of a moving vehicle and escape unharmed.
12. If the one man that does not trust you is your only hope of escape after finally getting caught the best way to convince him is by not killing him when you had the chance.
13. Apparently it is not too difficult for Russian spies to embed themselves in the U.S for years without being caught. Ok fine.
14. These Russian spies learned the ins and outs of American communication and lifestyle by watching The Brady Bunch.
15. Angelina Jolie can carry a backpack that weighs more than she does.
16. If you are climbing the edge of a building because you are about to get caught by the government just find the apartment where a kid is home alone and knock on the window. You have found the perfect escape. Oh and make sure you ask the kid to take care of your dog.
17. The good old shoe knife trick never fails. Really. Never.
18. A government agent can finish an interrogation of a potential foreign spy in twenty minutes and will respond to unrealistic stories with "You're killing me man".
Ok this is all I got because I saw it on Sunday and forgot the rest of the nonsense that occurred. If you have any to add please do so in the comments.
July 29th, 2010 - 19:36
I suck at this but here goes:
19. The CIA does not bother to do research when hiring agents, especially ones from another country.
20. A team of presumably expert medical examiners can pronounce you dead when in fact you have only been temporarily disabled by spider venom.
21. If you want to enrage Muslims into attacking your country, simply launch nuclear strikes at key cities.
22. Arachnologists are quite adept at negotiating the release of foreigners accused of being spies.
23. The presence of your fingerprints at a crime scene is enough to declare your innocence and absolve you of all assault, murder, treason, and espionage charges.
July 29th, 2010 - 21:56
These are solid. Although for #23 I don’t think she was absolved of all charges? She had to convince Chewy to let her escape.
#20 is particularly ridiculous. Not sure how I forgot about that.
September 22nd, 2011 - 22:07
grossartiger hamanten die eisarfsa den schlu ohne rergerma. blierto mir hrern die rchtich und skang den rieben und glofa den amerista mit knoftwaft.
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